Tuesday, December 17, 2013

How I learned to be authentic, and how I found my way back to knowing Love.

This has been one of the hardest but most incredibly rewarding years of my life. I stopped writing this blog because I lost a lot of joy, and had a lot of heartbreak and its hard to write about happiness and peace when you don't feel those things. I assure you though, the other posts in this blog are many of the things that got me through the worst of it.
So here are my lessons of 2013:

How I learned the importance of authenticity when it comes to EVERY single relationship and just as importantly, to myself:
I had a break up with a friend that I had had since high school, horrible things were said, horrible things were done, hearts were broken and disappointed. It all had purpose for me, it was my biggest fear when it came to truly being authentic (by being authentic I mean honoring what is right for me and who I am and being honest about who and what that is) and this big fear came to fruition with a person I really cared about. What ensued was some really deep looking at who I am, and who I've pretended to be. I wanted to figure out how can I align what I have put out in the world in the past that is false and that I created so I could feel like I fit in and that people would like me, with what was really who I have grown to become.

So this was step one of opening my heart, and letting other people in. I changed how I approached my friendships, I did my best to speak my truth, share my heart and have some difficult and scary conversations that ended up being the most beautiful and supportive moments. I have really deepened some friendships because I actually showed up as myself, not what I perceived the other person wanted me to be.
One of the biggest things for me was telling people that I am intuitive...in the sixth sense, esp, psychic kinda way which really didn't shock anyone but it was like coming out of the closet for me. I also started to share the hard things in my life with honesty and with full trust that whom ever I was sharing with would hold my hand and my heart with the utmost care.
I learned that in order for anyone in this world to know who I am, I have to show up in the world entirely myself.

How I learned to be grateful for the worst week of my life because ended up bringing me to the most profound place of love:

My worst week started off with my landlord giving me my one month notice, ultimately because his apartment was in the process of being taken over by the CRA, I made the decision to move back my parents place at least temporarily. I went to their house, told them everything that was going on, and declined the tea my mom had offered because I wanted to go to the mountains/river because I was having a bad day thus far. I left, and less than 5 minutes later I got rear ended, thankfully it was by an elderly woman, so I cared more about her well being in the moment than anything else. Grateful that I could fall back on my holistic/massage training I knew what to do for whiplash so I just went home, had a good cry and went through my protocols. The next few days I was in a lot of pain and had started my chiropractor and massage routine. Then the most heartbreaking thing happened, we had to put Ollie down. I love Ollie, he was the best dog and we had such an incredible bond and understanding, he was my furbaby. So I broke. I lost my apartment, I lost my car, I lost my health (physical, mental, emotional), and I lost my dog. It was the first time in my life that I literally felt broken. That first night after Ollie passed, the only way I got to sleep was to list the things I was still grateful for, and thankfully it worked. I spent days not getting up off of my couch, I didn't know how to keep going, but every morning I woke up so I figured I had to keep going (thankfully I have my Kaya cat and she needed to be taken care of still!)

So here is the beauty of it all (yes I said beauty!) with the car accident I got to have 21 Chiropractic and massage treatments. I know some really incredible healers and for three months I had to take care of myself by letting others take care of me. They helped me heal not only my body, but my mind, heart and spirit.
Moving in with my parents, who I already have an incredible relationship with, was the best thing for me, because I needed to heal and I needed to be with the two people who love me unconditionally and who would provide me the space and the time to do so. Because of all the 'work' I did deepening some really great friendships, I had an incredible support system and had people to listen to me, and cry with me, and just let me be who ever I could show up as with kindness and compassion. I was surrounded and supported by loving people.

The grief of Ollie was hard. With moving and everything else that was going on at one point I knew I had to put it aside as best I could to get everything else done. So about a month after I settled into my parents home, I was overcome with grief again. So I decided I had to sit in it. To be present to it. To honor it. To allow it. And then the most incredible thing happened, as I lay in bed sobbing, I understood. I realized that my grief was because I had cut myself off from my connection to Ollie because he had passed. Now bare with me. I went for a walk along an off leash about two weeks before this, and I could feel him walking beside me. I know from my experiences, and with my beliefs, what is true for me, is that you continue on  - the whole energy is neither created or destroyed, just changed concept. So my question became, why do I have to disconnect from that feeling of love just because he physically isn't here anymore?? and my answer was, you don't.

This is how I learned what Love and peace are to me. To come from a place of love, to be love, to connect to love. I opened my heart to it. I breathed into it, and I felt my breath go into the center of my heart chakra - to a place I have never felt it go before. There I found space, that weight, sadness, heaviness was gone. I needed to break in order to get here, all of those broken pieces were bits of things I needed to break free from.
I still miss dog snuggles from time to time, but I truly love my life now, and I know from this point on amazing things are going to happen!